i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
