I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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