It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
