i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize