I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
