Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
