I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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