Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
