Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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