Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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