Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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