Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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