Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
