Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
it's like heaven, but drunker
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
