why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
