I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
