Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
sex in a hospital.. check
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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