bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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