I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize