So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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