My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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