My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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