I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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