I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
