he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize