About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
