I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
