her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize