Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
