you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
