I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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