The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
