I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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