does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize