I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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