fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Never joke about your clitoris.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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