Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
