I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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