I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
