Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
