I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
