How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
