I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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