Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
