my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
