If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
