woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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