I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
