I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
