that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
