Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize