just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
