Is it because I queefed?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I came so hard my ears popped.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
