Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
