the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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