Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
