I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
