Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
