why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
