your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
